


no, i'm NOT robosexual

by jveena



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Humor, crackish?, interstellar au but only tars, tars...you sexy block, ushijima is a hot spaceman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26080249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jveena/pseuds/jveena
Summary: TARS, you sexy block!alternatively: in which you're on an eight year space voyage and accidentally discover ushijima is jealous of a robot. maybe you have been saying questionable things to the robot. who knows. plausible deniability! this better not go on your permanent record.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou & Reader, Oikawa Tooru & Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 41





	1. [name], a very intelligent astronaut who somehow gets away with having the professionalism of a toddler

**Author's Note:**

> please look up TARS for the purpose of this fic if you haven't seen interstellar ;p  
> ushijima would definitely be jealous of a robot~

When you had first met the people you would be spending eight years in space with, you had expected a professional relationship that would naturally give way to a more casual one. Maybe you would find company with the girls, maybe on the slower days you would spend time getting to know each other not just as colleagues but as close friends. Eight years was a long time to be stuck with the same people, you knew, but it was still hard to expect much from your male colleagues, who all gave off the intimidating pretty boy vibe. Logically, you knew that all of you were chosen for your skills and youth, rather than looks. But skills didn’t translate much when it came to being easy to get along with, so you set your expectations low. After all, you were here to fulfill your dreams of space exploration.

-

Kuroo snorts as you reminisce about your first impression of the team. 

“Really, [Name], you didn’t think I was friendly?” He grins crookedly as he sidles up to you.

From the other side of the galley, Oikawa makes a face. “Looking like that, I’m surprised they even let you on this ship. I don’t know what exactly you wanted to steal so badly that you applied for a eight year mission, but I guess it’s the long con.”

You stifle a laugh as Kuroo shoots up indignantly. It’s been a running joke that Kuroo was a thief. A few months into your mission, Kuroo had decided the hassle of wrangling his hair into a manageable shape was too tedious of a task. As soon as Oikawa had spotted Kuroo, he’d made a comment about not trusting anyone who looked like that around NASA equipment. The joke had died out after Oikawa realized Kuroo’s hair would permanently be staying in the bedhead state, but still cropped up occasionally and never failed to make you laugh. 

Three years into your space voyage, humor was what kept you going. Shimizu and Yachi had been familiar with each other before the mission began, and while they were friendly with the rest of you it was clear the two of them had a tight bond. Sawamura and Ushijima were both incredibly professional, and while Sawamura seemed to be a bit more laid back when he was off-duty, Ushijima preferred to spend his rec time working out or staying in close contact with his friends back home, essentially making it clear he didn't have much of an inclination towards getting all chummy with the rest of you. About a year ago, you noticed him and Oikawa seemed to have a weird tension between them, and you kept meaning to ask about it. Whatever the reason, Ushijima seemed to want to spend eight years without becoming friends. 

Naturally, you drifted towards Kuroo and Oikawa, who you got along with surprisingly well. Despite having very different hobbies, you had personalities that meshed well together and overlapping senses of humor. At first, you’d all been cautious about what you said. You were being monitored, you knew. After all, it was a work environment; you did have an objective for your space voyage. Initially, crude statements or slips of the tongue led to awkward silences, but after Communications Officer Ukai let it slip that only the video feed and not the audio was really being monitored, you’d been able to be speak more freely.

Conversations with the rest of the crew only grew more comfortable as time passed, and you even found a good conversation partner in your robot, TARS. TARS was AI perfection: complete with adjustable personality settings and an understanding of human speech, slang, and humor, he not only was an incredible asset to your mission but also a pseudo-teammate. For the three of you, that translated into making TARS the butt of some of your more unprofessional jokes. You were careful not to cross the line: while it didn’t matter much to TARS what you said, you made sure not to say anything around the rest of the crew. Once, upon finding you, Oikawa, and Kuroo in tears, clutching your stomachs huddled around TARS in the kitchen, Sawamura had asked what exactly was so funny about the robot. Surely…TARS’ sense of humor wasn’t that impeccable? The three of you had shot each other panicked glances and Kuroo managed to sputter out, “ah…well, the…knock knock jokes are really funny coming from a robot, you know!” Sawamura had given the three of you a nonplussed stare before sighing and reminding you of the new bacteria analysis you had to get done in the labs.

Okay, to be fair: you’d gone three years (plus one long, painful year of monitored training before you got on the ship) with no romance or sex. Maybe you kind of had a thing for your colleague, Ushijima, but he seemed like the type to send a report back to space HR if you said anything to him about it. Considering space sex wasn’t going to happen anytime soon (yes, you, Oikawa, and Kuroo had discussed your mutual four year dry spells before in a very long ranting session, but neither of them was ever going to be putting their dick in you—honestly it would feel concerningly like incest), the best way to relieve sexual tension was to joke about it, right? 

It started like this: Kuroo and you had been making fun of each other’s kinks while cleaning up late in the labs, and then Kuroo had asked, “TARS, what do you think: choking or bruising kink?” 

You’d been laughing so hard you barely heard the response, “If I had fingers: choking. If I had skin: bruising. But I don’t have either, so hopefully fridges do it for someone out there.”

You’d been so shocked to discover TARS was programmed to understand and respond to sex talk. Kuroo turned to you, eyes wide like he just won the lottery, and you were torn between laughing harder and wanting to see what would happen if you dragged Oikawa in so he could flirt with the blocky bot. Instead, you managed to say, “Will it fit in me, TARS?” in the sultriest voice you could put on, making Kuroo collapse to the floor in laughter. After a very unproductive hour spent ‘cleaning up’, the two of you headed to the kitchen for the remaining half-hour of your recreation time and recounted the whole thing to Oikawa, who seemed a little too enthusiastic about the fact that you could talk dirty to TARS. 

You should have known, with how obviously the three of you were sexually harassing the robot, that someone would catch you eventually. Maybe Sawamura would give you an exasperated but secretly amused talking-to, or Shimizu would give you an odd look and chalk it up to your usual antics. Just—you didn’t expect it would be Ushijima.


	2. encounter one: you fuck up; alternatively: you wonder how big the stick up ushijima’s ass is. your career is at stake here!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fire in the hole~ you really shot yourself in the foot, [name].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and unedited and badly formatted because i’m on my phone but i wanted to put it out there! i will probably come back and clean it up a bit soon but here you go! also thank you for your kudos and comments!

You and Kuroo have overlapping shifts most of the time, because your work doesn’t need to be constantly monitored. Sometimes, like today, the only thing to do will be data collection, so the two of you decide to switch off shifts in order to take a breather. Usually, you would catch up on your messages with your family and friends back home, but you had watched and responded to all the messages just yesterday night, in a sudden fit of homesickness.  
Unsure of what to do, you head to the caboose and pull up a downloaded TV show. Yes, you’ve seen it twice already, but restricting yourself to watching each show annually is a lot better than bingeing them on a whim and then frantically overanalyzing them like Oikawa. A couple episodes later, TARS enters to do the routine hygiene and systems checks.  
“Hello, [Name],” he says to announce his presence, and you absently hum in acknowledgement. The plot of your show is getting a little steamy, and the female lead quite literally climbs the love interest. The corners of your lips pull up in amusement.  
“TARS,” you call out, turning your screen towards him, “what if we tried this position next time?”  
Unfortunately for you, Ushijima walks in at that exact moment and blinks bewilderedly at your very graphic screen for a second before his face settles into a stony expression. You gape at him for a good thirty seconds as he scans the caboose, eyes passing over your lazy position and the way your feet are casually thrown over the seat.  
“I, uh, I’m on between—in between—shifts,” you hurriedly say, sitting up and trying to look the least bit composed, “I didn’t think anyone was off yet.”  
Ushijima gestures to your device and you feel utter panic, but he merely goes on to say, “it’s 1:47.”  
Ah, then I should be on my way,” you manage, and practically trip over yourself trying to scoop up your belongings and head out before Ushijima brings up what he overheard. You’re praying he thinks he misheard, or that you suddenly come up with a really good explanation for what happened before you see him again. You’re so lost in thought, you miss the long stare he gives TARS, who greets him and then continues on checking the panel.

-  
You’re a bit dazed at the start of your shift, but your work requires concentration: a single wrong number could be the make or break during an experiment. As your shift ends and you’re wrapping things up, you think of dinner and wonder what freeze-dried meal you will be provided today. Pasta, maybe? It’s been a couple weeks since you had pasta. Wait! If you head to the kitchen now, you’re likely to run into Oikawa and Kuroo, because Oikawa’s shifts often coincide with yours and unless Kuroo is sending video messages back home he’s usually with Oikawa. But Ushijima was off before two today, and that means he might be getting dinner now, too. Usually when you ate at the same time he was silent and uninterested, so hopefully that doesn’t change. You really don’t want Ukai to catch wind of what had happened; you’d probably be under fire for a startling lack of professionalism. It wasn’t really your fault though, someone programmed TARS to understand sex jokes! You were just...taking advantage of that. You could maybe say Ushijima misheard? TARS would clarify any ambiguous situations to a higher officer, though. Honestly, you don’t have much at risk other than your reputation. There’s no way for you to be pulled out of a space voyage three years in, and Oikawa and Kuroo, who were both probably huge headaches to the whole academy and mission commanders, had made it on the ship. So what if Ushijima reports you for sexually harassing a robot? TARS has never told you to stop! And maybe the higher-ups will flag you for professional misconduct, but the most they can do is give you a slap on the wrist. After all, you were put on this ship for a reason. Regardless of your personal quirks, your knowledge and skills are important to this crew. You consider all this, and then march into the kitchen, ready to face Ushijima and whatever he has to say about what he may or may not have overheard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tea???

Instead, you’re only greeted with your other two musketeers, and you sigh in relief as you drop into the seat by Oikawa.  
“I think Ushijima heard me say I wanted to ride TARS!” you exclaim, and your hopes in finding some way to fix the situation are dashed when the two idiots in front of you start laughing and offer no solutions. Kuroo is genuinely in tears by the time he manages to ask you to recount exactly what had happened. 

“[Name]!” Oikawa announces when you finish, “My dearest companion! You will be missed.”

“See you on the flip-side, [Name]—wait, why is she your dearest companion?”

“Oh, it’ll be so lonely without you here. I’ll come visit your grave everyday, and I’d bring you your favorite food if I could but there’s no food allowed in the correspondence room-“

“Hold on, why is my grave in correspondence? They won’t actually fire me, right? TARS has never said stop!”

“Silence doesn’t mean yes, [Name].”

“OH [NAME], my dearest companion who we had to bury in correspondence after HR murdered her and she told us to leave her there to succumb to her sins even in the afterlife—“

“Poor TARS won’t be able to clean and manage correspondence—“

“And when we lose connection to Earth we’ll be as good as dead!"

“WHEN? What are you planning on?”

“It’s all [Name]’s fault!” Kuroo rises from his chair. “You’re the reason we wither away, lost to space!”

Oikawa jumps up in turn and announces: “IF ONLY [NAME] HAD KEPT IT IN HER PANTS!” 

Of course, because whatever higher powers exist clearly hate you, Ushijima makes another inopportune entrance. Except this time, he’s followed by Daichi. Oikawa and Kuroo both slump into their seats like their strings have been cut, and you flop forward, hoping to pretend you were asleep. 

“What’s going on here?” Daichi asks the question in a tone that promises punishment. God, if only Oikawa didn’t have such a big mouth. You reach over to slap his arm, still feigning sleep in hopes that Daichi will ignore you. Ushijima ignores the commotion and moves to sit down and eat dinner.

“I know you’re awake, [Name]! What did you all do now?”

You rush to clarify, because you haven’t actually done anything that would be a work-related problem. “Nothing! We’re just discussing…personal issues.”

Daichi sighs. “I’m not going to push restrictions on what you do in your personal time, but remember that whatever goes on privately should not be affecting your work at all. If your activities cause problems between you and,” he glances at Oikawa, “a coworker, then—“

“Wait! Wait. [Name] and I? Please, no way I would EVER stoop so l-“ Daichi’s glare cuts him off. “I mean, I didn’t sleep with [Name]!”

Kuroo chimes in with a “me neither” as you gasp and shout, “I haven’t slept with anyone!”

Daichi looks increasingly distressed. Ushijima is just eating, but you swear he’s actively listening. You hear Kuroo cough-laugh into his hand. 

“I mean—not like—not ever! On the ship!” you bluster, and this causes Ushijima to look up for some reason. He makes direct eye contact with you, and you know he’s thinking of TARS. Your face burns. Daichi notices this and immediately comes to the worst conclusion. 

“Well, at least I can trust Ushijima to remain professional,” he mutters. 

“No!” you exclaim, because you did not sleep with Ushijima and it is imperative Daichi does not think so. Daichi having any knowledge of your sex life, even false knowledge, makes you intensely nervous.

“Yes,” Ushijima frowns, because he think’s you’re dismissing his work ethic. You’re not sure he understands that Daichi means he would stay professional in the face of ex-flings. Which you are not.

“This better not become an issue,” Daichi says, and then leaves before anything can be further clarified. You groan and drop your head into your hands, wondering why exactly no one on this ship can ever keep their mouths shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the dialogue is weird im working on it!!! also updates will be random but i want to finish this fic


End file.
